My beloved, Abba, hit me with a broadside today. Right in the heart, to the depths of my being. I have just spent part of the weekend, nearly five hours of it alone with my bible and worship music, locked in my dorm room. (my roommate was gone for the weekend) I cried, I prayed, I sang, I listened and I waited. He whispered a few things. I felt His presence, but only a small fraction of what I was expecting. I had set everything aside to be with Him, yet as I pressed in, He only seemed to draw Himself farther and farther away. I was soon drained, as realized this was one of those awkward moments, with people, when you are trying to get to know who they are, yet find yourself emotionally exhausted after only an hour of it. I realized with terror I didn't know this Being, this uncreated One, I was crying out to. I didn't know anything about Him. I was trying too hard....
I fell asleep, exhausted. I slept for nearly ten hours straight and woke, still worn out. Yet I got up, prepared for church and then pulled out my bible...one last time. I know you can't always trust what happens when you just open the bible up to where its pages fall. God loves to blow our minds however, cause there on the pages, in the middle of Songs of Songs was an amazing verse...
"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth; I sought him, but I found him not. I said,' I will rise now, and go about the city; in the streets and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth; I sought him, but I found him not.' The watchmen that go about the city found me; To whom I said,' Saw ye him whom my soul loveth? " Songs of Songs 3:1-2
My beloved, wanted me to find Him in the places where the people are, not shut away in my room, at least for this time, this was the way He wanted me to go. He was going to show His love to me through the "city streets" and the "broad ways."
I went to church expecting Him. And beginning with college park all the way to main service of church He began moving in small ways. From the words of Pastor Keith, to my friend's smiles. And then came the worship service. Every single word hit my like a sledge hammer.
I couldn't stand, as His words poured into my heart.
ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN GET FROM ME, IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN GIVE.
I realized how utterly futile my attempts at loving God had been, I only wanted Him to make me feel good, even during those quiet, alone times, it was still focused on what He could give me. My attitude could not allow His presence, because a wall was between us.
How utterly wretched and suddenly relieved I felt. I was horrible, I was grieving His heart, yet now I can stop trying. God did it all. He gave me His spirit, He adopted me as His child, He loves me as His bride. All I can give is His. There is no other reality.
I worshiped with more abandon than I have in months. There was no other. And then He began speaking to me to love my friends. I then realized in loving those around me, lavishing my love on my friends, I was indeed loving my Beautiful Lover. Suddenly I had to love them, no matter what...because I was loving Him.
...and that is where I am. Here is where I stay.
No comments:
Post a Comment