Thursday, July 16, 2009

Heat. Walls. Hope.

It was the heat, I think, that was the worst of it. The darkness I actually could take. But combine that with a thick, sweltering atomsphere of oppressive heat, the pressure is unbearable.

I can't remember why I am here. I know it was my choice. I wanted it. There is a purpose. A means to an end. There always is. In my life, absolutes are the foundation I walk on.

Things never shift or walk in shadows, there is never a "maybe" or " perhaps", there is only this or that, black or white, hot or cold. It's infuriating at times. What wouldn't I give to have the vague comfort of an abstract meaningless moment. At least it would feel good...maybe.

Yet, somehow, after falling asleep, I had lost all knowledge of why I was here, only the frustrating abstract reminder, that yes, you have to be here. Until, well...it's not quiet clear until when.

That's what sleep must do to you here...numb your senses, stifles your memory, suffocate your desires. I love sleep. I hate sleep.

I know this is bad. I know I'm in for it. Yet, still a part of me knows that this is exactly what is meant to happen. There was no other way to get to my destination. No other way to be challenged. I love challenges, right? I wish I could remember.

It's never easy remembering, maybe that's why I'm glad I fell asleep. Yet I really hate that I fell asleep. Why did I in the first place? The darkness pressed in further, tightened by the heat. I swallowed, realizing I am sitting up now. I of course cannot see, but never the less I know I can move. I stretch out my legs, testing their strength. They are numb, like everything else. I groan and wait until the feeling returns. Fire seems to burn through my limbs. I unsteadily decide to crawl. It wasn't far to the wall. How I knew there was a wall there is beyond me, but it was true. In ten feet I reached it.

It was a stone wall, cold to the touch. It felt good. I press my face against it's hard, coolness and then stood to me feet, leaning against the solid, strength. The oppressive heat still holds me unrelentingly. I am far from good, but the wall is encouraging. Letting a smile drip from my lips, I begin walking slowly, one hand on the rough-cut stones. Walls are dangerous things. Stones are too. But dangerous doesn't always mean bad. Walls protect things. I wonder what this wall is protecting?

I blinked....feeling like I'd uncovered a secret. Was that why I was here? To get inside this wall? Why the heat? Why the darkness? Why did I need to get in?

Nothing matched or made sense. Nothing was black or white, it was all colliding in a mesh of pressure. My chest was starting to hurt.

But one thing it was doing, it was pressing me on to follow this wall. Whevere it led, I would follow. Somehow the coolness of the stones took an edge off the heat. Just a little. This small spark of hope was quite powerful.