Happy...

ok...so I know this is a secular song...but it makes me all happy inside, especially when the words are changed in reference to my beloved Jesus. How He does make me smile...

Bubbly - by colbie caillat

I've been awake for a while now
You've got me feeling like a child now
'Cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tingles in a silly place

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

The rain is falling on my window pane
But we are hiding in a safer place
Under cover staying dry and warm
You give me feelings that I adore

It starts in my toes
And I crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

But what I'm gonna say
When you make me feel this way
I just...mmmhhh

It starts in my toes
Makes me crinkle my nose
Where ever it goes I always know
That you make me smile
Please stay for a while now
Just take your time wherever you go

I've been asleep for a while
You tuck me in just like a child now
'Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I comfortable enough to feel your warmth

It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feeling shows
'Cause you make smile, baby
Just take your time now
Holding me tight

Wherever, wherever, wherever
You go
Wherever, wherever, wherever
You go
I always know
'Cause you make me smile
Even just for a while

Listening to the heart of the Father...

Love is the banner which flies over every strategy of the Lord. It waves like a gentle breeze, touching the winds of the human spirit like a soft whisper. You can hear it in the voice of another, feel it under the warm glow candlelight,
see it in the vast expanse of a midnight sky. It beckons with relentless strength and patience...it never ends.
This is the heart of the Father, never-ending, always there, forever touching the hearts of His children. Do we truly hear Him? Do we feel Him? Can we sense Him in the atmosphere around us? Do we recognize that it is Him?
I think His love is oftentimes drowned out by our own longings for it. If we would let our spirits quiet down and listen with the intent of knowing His voice, then we would see a much bigger, more beautiful world than we ever imagined could be there. And in return our longings are satisfied.
To know the heart of the Father, means we know Him. Every time He speaks, we are so familiar with that voice, with the call of His heart, that we immediately respond, knowing without a doubt it is He. This is the place where I want to be...

Emotion...can't live with it, can't live without it.

I'm in a painful growing process at the moment, which is both beautiful and ugly all at once. It is like a knife is digging down deep and pulling out all this stuff I never realized was buried inside me, only what is coming out is delightful, only the whole cutting out journey is the hard part. I was frightened of it before, but now I suddenly find myself strangely fascinated with the entire adventure and even danger of it all. After all our God is a dangerous God, He is a consuming fire, every drawing us into the blaze of His refinement. Why? Because He wants us, He wants us pure....He wants us holy...He wants to want Him. And in that wanting comes deep emotions, not just emotions inside the heart, but outwards emotions, expressing that love. Many times we feel we cannot express outwardly because it is just too deep, but other times we feel if we do not do something we will just simply explode from the passionate feelings deep within.

I have experienced an incredible fountain in last month, and my emotions will not stay silent any longer. They are coming out slowly, in gentle waves, but with obvious intention. Freedom has grabbed a hold of my being, a Great love is propelling my feet forward even if I do not stretch them out to walk. I have no choice. Beauty is dragging me forward...I will not stop it, for if I do I would lose everything. ~

...to grow up.

I have always dearly loved the story of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. It is not just because of the magical fantasy it stirs within the reader, but because deep down inside each of us is a desire to be free...to live with the reckless abandonment of an innocent child. Granted Peter is in every way also human, guilty of the folly of both pride and selfishness, but never the less he's passionate appeal to maintain his childhood touches our hearts. Like Wendy we are entranced, but like Wendy we know the growing dread of a dark destiny pulling at our heels...the adventure of childhood must end. Even if Peter can go on living it, we feel we cannot follow...Neverland is within us all in a small way, it is in our longings, in our soul, brushing our hearts with a knowledge that this world is not our home. But we also feel a hard cold truth that whispers that perhaps these longings are all in vain, and even when we visit Neverland, we soon forget, believing it is only a dream. And those fantastic dreams slip away into meaningless nothing. We must grow up...

I find the pressures of growing up awfully painful. I understand Peter's aversion to it. Grownups, despite the wonders of their world, lose their awe so quickly. Isn't there some way to always remain a child, yet grow in the wisdom of an adult...or is the wisdom of a child real wisdom?

I never want to lose my awe...I want to see the joy in the tiniest things in life, and giggle in pleasure...I want to feel like every day is a new discovery.

The kingdom of heaven is indeed very much a Neverland. There is both beauty and fear in it...a great, terribly enemy is always out to get us. A deadly "hook" is jealous of our childlike ways, of our noble deeds...of our wonder. He wants to destroy us with every obsession in his being. To beat this "hook" we must remain childlike, trusting, innocent...we must be unyielding in what we stand for. Children are quite set in their ways, everyone knows this...they believe so easily, but once they believe its very hard to change their minds. To truly grow up, I feel, is to stay a child...to grow up is tragically over-rated. God said only those with the faith of child can enter the kingdom of heaven. (now I know there is a difference between childlikeness and childishness, but hold to the theme of what I say...I'm not saying Peter Pan is perfect in its analogy, quite the contrary, but his story has always inspired me)

Simple and and ordinary is the kingdom of heaven...yet also magical and surreal. All these walk hand in hand.

I am twenty years old last month, yet I believe all my life I've tried to be something I am not, a grownup. Ironically God is making me a child again, restoring the wonder of simple joy...of love...of beauty. I saw it all before, but could not partake in it...now I'm truly growing up, growing up into a child...a child of the king, a child of God...

Here am I...

This is not just a story, this is a journal of life, a record of one who desires the beauty of eternity...these humble words are written from the depths of a heart overflowing with longing...