Week Four: The Heart of a College Student...I am here to stay.

My beloved, Abba, hit me with a broadside today. Right in the heart, to the depths of my being. I have just spent part of the weekend, nearly five hours of it alone with my bible and worship music, locked in my dorm room. (my roommate was gone for the weekend) I cried, I prayed, I sang, I listened and I waited. He whispered a few things. I felt His presence, but only a small fraction of what I was expecting. I had set everything aside to be with Him, yet as I pressed in, He only seemed to draw Himself farther and farther away. I was soon drained, as realized this was one of those awkward moments, with people, when you are trying to get to know who they are, yet find yourself emotionally exhausted after only an hour of it. I realized with terror I didn't know this Being, this uncreated One, I was crying out to. I didn't know anything about Him. I was trying too hard....

I fell asleep, exhausted. I slept for nearly ten hours straight and woke, still worn out. Yet I got up, prepared for church and then pulled out my bible...one last time. I know you can't always trust what happens when you just open the bible up to where its pages fall. God loves to blow our minds however, cause there on the pages, in the middle of Songs of Songs was an amazing verse...

"By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth; I sought him, but I found him not. I said,' I will rise now, and go about the city; in the streets and in the broad ways I will seek him whom my soul loveth; I sought him, but I found him not.' The watchmen that go about the city found me; To whom I said,' Saw ye him whom my soul loveth? " Songs of Songs 3:1-2

My beloved, wanted me to find Him in the places where the people are, not shut away in my room, at least for this time, this was the way He wanted me to go. He was going to show His love to me through the "city streets" and the "broad ways."

I went to church expecting Him. And beginning with college park all the way to main service of church He began moving in small ways. From the words of Pastor Keith, to my friend's smiles. And then came the worship service. Every single word hit my like a sledge hammer.

I couldn't stand, as His words poured into my heart.

ITS NOT ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN GET FROM ME, IT'S ABOUT WHAT YOU CAN GIVE.

I realized how utterly futile my attempts at loving God had been, I only wanted Him to make me feel good, even during those quiet, alone times, it was still focused on what He could give me. My attitude could not allow His presence, because a wall was between us.

How utterly wretched and suddenly relieved I felt. I was horrible, I was grieving His heart, yet now I can stop trying. God did it all. He gave me His spirit, He adopted me as His child, He loves me as His bride. All I can give is His. There is no other reality.

I worshiped with more abandon than I have in months. There was no other. And then He began speaking to me to love my friends. I then realized in loving those around me, lavishing my love on my friends, I was indeed loving my Beautiful Lover. Suddenly I had to love them, no matter what...because I was loving Him.

...and that is where I am. Here is where I stay.

Second & Third Week: The heart of a College Student...the adventure continues

I've discovered listening. Listening to God, listening to people, listening to creation. What beauty God shows in the quiet. All my efforts to be heard fade, all the emotions, die out, in the obedience of sitting still to be in His presence.

My days of college have indeed been full of listening. Listening to instructors, friends, music and the ever faithful tower off-time tower bell near the ACU's bible building. I love that old thing. My schedule is smoothing out into a steady cadence of classes, studying, building relationships, church and prayer. I've decided for the this month at least I am not going work, or get involved anything other than my classes and pouring into the lives of the beautiful people around me. The beauty of trust is enveloping me with sweet surrender. I feel so humbled and unworthy though at times that God is faithful, though I am not.

Every morning brings me a little closer to His heart, even in the times I've felt extremely far, and they have come...even within the few short weeks I've been here. But the strength of fellowship is building my faith. God is already surrounding me with an incredible circle of brothers and sisters. I'm blown away how HE showers love around me.

My classes are going good. Amidst growing challenges I am finding peace and rest...even when my body does not feel exactly rested. One more day and then I have the weekend.

And that about sums up this time of my life, though I really have only scratched the surface of the ocean God has dropped me into. I wish I could capture every moment, every little word, every discovery, every face into a multi-layered picture. It would be beautiful beyond words.

...and so my adventure continues...

First week: The heart of a college student....ACU 101

So I could go on and on about what this beautiful campus looks like, what the people are like, what this city is like, what my classes are like, what I've done, who I've met, how I feel...but I'm not gonna do that here

I have learned to love. This is what I have done. This is what I becoming. Within a week I am completely different from who I was the week before. Literally....supernaturally. God has brought me to this place for such a time as this. Every moment has confirmed and is confirming it. He has brought me to love here, and be loved.

God has blown me away with what He is pulling out of me right now. I never realized there was such beauty, and it is all coming straight from Him. The foundations my feet stand upon are proving strong. God is shaping my sight, forming my words and sharpening my ears.

We are a people of love, created for love, saved by love...

This new world I have entered is all about loving people. That is all my life consists of at the moment. As for everything else...well it all just falls into place.

So if you ask what I'm doing right now, what I've experience....a new world, as seen through God's eyes.

I always said I wanted adventure....

An excerpt from Red Moon Rising...

(from an amazing book I'm reading right now!)


So this guy comes up to me and says,” What’s the vision? What’s the big idea?” I open my mouth and words come out like this...

The vision?
The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.
The vision is an army of young people. You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.
They laugh at 9-5 prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the West was won.
They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations. They need no passport. People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes. It makes children laugh and adults angry. It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars. It scorns the good and strains for the best. It is dangerously pure. Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation. It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers
choose to lose
that they might one day win
the great “Well done,” of faithful sons and daughters.
Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night.
They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards
and hear the crowds chanting again and again:” COME ON!”
And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing...
This is the sound of the underground
And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts,” For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”
Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners.
Martyrs.
Who can stop them?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them?
And the generation prays
like a dying man
with groans beyond talking
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24-7-365
Whatever it takes they will give;
Breaking the rules
Shaking mediocrity from its cozy little hide.
Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs,
Laughing at labels, fasting essentials.
The advertisers cannot mold them.
Hollywood cannot hold them.
Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties
Before the cockerel cries
They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive inside.
On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives – swap seats with the man on death row – guilty as hell.
A throne for an electric chair.
With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days, they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.
Their DNA chooses JESUS (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centers.
Don’t you hear them coming?
Herald the weirdos!
Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here comes the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.
And this vision will be. It will come to pass; it will come easily; it will come soon.
How do I know? Because this is the longing of creation itself, the groaning of the Spirit, the very dream of God.
My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3-D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous resounding, bone-shaking great “Amen!” from countless angels, from heroes of the faith, from Christ himself. And He is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.
Guaranteed.

(Red Moon Rising by Peter Greig)

Summer's almost gone...

The scent of summer clings to my skin, like a warmy balmy breeze. Its a scent immersed in laughter, smiles and voices of dear family and friends. The sounds and images dance fresh through my mind. Bittersweet moments, lingering goodbyes, last looks, long hugs. I wish time would hold still, just to contain the richness of all these passing, precious memories. To remain still, however, would only hold back the beautiful memories to come.
Summer. Vibrant life. Pulsating heated passion. Glowing inspirations. The heartbeat of heaven has grown strong this summer in my soul. But the heat of the a noonday sun is slipping down into the cool of evening. The heartbeat is evening out into a steady rythmn. A rythmn perhaps even deeper than the exciting, wildness of the first.
Less than two weeks left, before summer ends and halls and pathways of a new world open their unfamiliar doors. I'm ready.

saying goodbye to summer...

No Rest

...another song I wrote this year.

No REST

My soul is ravished by Your thoughts
My heart cannot find its rest
You said to wait up on Your time
I'll wait until You show Your face

You've stolen my heart
Therefore I have no peace
I'm torn apart
It hurts just to speak

You have ripped my world apart
I cannot breath without You
Every love I've had
Is nothing compared to You

You won't relent
I cannot escape this time
Shake my life
There is no better love

Shake my life
Won't You break my life
Give me no rest
I cannot live without Your love.


[written by Natasha Fowler, April 08]

You are always good...

Where You go, I go
What You say, I say, God
And What You pray, I pray

Where You go, I go
What You say I say, God
And What You pray,I pray

Cause Jesus only did
What He saw You do
He would only say
What He heard You speak
And He would only move
When He felt You leave
Following Your heart
Following Your Spirit

So how can I expect to walk without You
When every move that Jesus made was in surrender
I will not begin to live withou You
For You alone are worthy
You are always good

Where You go, I go
What You say, I say, God
And What You pray, I pray

Where You go, I go
What You say, I say, God
And What You pray, I pray

The world sees and still forgets
We will not forget who You are
And what You have done for us
What You have done for us