Almost there...

Three more days and I will be in the air for Israel! The summer has flown by much faster than I anticipated. All of my packing is nearly finished. I've been to Cape Hatteras and California and back, the Israel trip is paid for, travel insurance is paid for, my bags packed, (nearly) all last minute things have been bought or borrowed, and now I am finishing up my last few days of work.

I'm excited but nervous, I've never been out of the United States until now. I'm praying for the Lord to continue revealing his heart for me about his chosen people. I look forward to meeting the children the first wee and all the traveling we will be doing the second week. Jerusalem will be amazing!

It's almost here...

Homesick

“If I discover within myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy,

the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world” - C.S. Lewis

It is the lonely sinking in your gut that gets you first. Like a deep aching hole that falls straight to your toes. Nothing you feel, taste, see, hear or touch can make it full. The emptiness reverberates within your soul like a time bomb, threatening you, mocking you, pushing you...to the limits of your control. Your longings erupt, but their valiant efforts always fall just short of satisfaction. Then you begin the searching again, hoping against hope to take away the hole, only to find it is always growing bigger.

Your questions scream for help, and the answers your find are never complete. What is it you long for?

The confessions of my heart are false to the desires that truly lie within. It is not just the brilliant sunrises, a lover's sweet kisses, music's passionate release or the thrill of accomplishment. These open up the doors to a place I have not even set a toenail upon. Yet I feel it in these moments and the anguish is less than bearable.

Then the fantasies come. The foolish fantasies that the mind and reason condemn, while yet the heart grabs hold of with tenacious hope. Fantasies of another world. A place where nothing is impossible. Am I a fool to even speak these childish words? Some would say yes, without a moment's hesitation.

I watched the sunset tonight and knew. I knew the how and I knew why. I knew where it all came from...I knew where I came from. This is the big secret.

I am, we all are, from another world. We are displaced aliens, wondering a foreign land. Our memories are erased, our hearts have forgotten, only our spirits yearn and remember what once was. Our dreams struggle to touch our minds with the truth.

Like a virulent disease it begins to spread through our consciousness, one cell at a time. Until we are utterly shaking in the throes of its violence. We are people sick because of something that is far to good than we can imagine. We are homesick. Longing to go to the place from where we were created, from where we were born.

Home. Heaven. Jesus.

It makes perfect sense that I am groaning in anguish, that I'm consistently heart broken, that I am weary, tired and growing older every day.

Creation is waiting in the darkness of night, writhing as though in labor, waiting for the morning to come with it's fulfillment and hope.

When will we go home? When will all this madness end? The way has been made, how much longer before the door opens? How much more before life is as it should be?

Will not those who have forgotten, remember? Will we not ALL long for the same thing and hasten it's return? We must all groan in anguish before the end for our joy to be complete. Hasten, hasten, the awaking of grief and desire and what we seek will be restored!

And yet, today I slowly burn with longing. I feel, but cannot touch, taste, but cannot eat, hear but cannot sing, see but cannot move. I must wage war until it is time, I must endure until the end. I must walk in faith and in peace.

The Sword

The cliff walls rose steep and severe towards a bleak and colorless sky. A narrow, lifeless path curved a jagged opening between the cliffs. The rocks jutting from the cliffs pointed like threatening knives towards the earth. Dust swirled upward as gusts of wind blew through the path. It was a cold, clean wind blowing from the opening at the far end of the cliffs.

A thin trembling figure appeared at this opening. It was a young woman who was slowly placing one foot in front of another. Her clothing was new and washed. Her hair long and clean. Her sword bright and sharp. She was untouched by battle, yet deep, desperate knowledge glowed in her bright eyes. The questions in her mind were spinning.

Why was she here? What could she possibly do? Was this really her fight? Who had fallen to this trap? Not her. Surely there were bigger more vital battles to fight?

The voice of her father, however, rang in her ears, louder and clearer, the more her doubts assailed her. GO AND BRING MY PEOPLE BACK TO ME.

She could not turn around and leave now. Her fist clenched around the hilt of her sword. The leather dug into her palm. She closed her eyes. The dangers were real, the fear however was not true. There could be no fear when she held her sword. She was one against a hundred, but she had been given more strength than a thousand.

Her feet began moving forward, firm and defiant. Her enemies would not keep their victory today. Their temporary glory would fall to shame at their feet. She steeled her countenance, preparing herself for the sight she would see. Death was waiting on the path ahead.

The path turned as the cold wind propelled her feet forward. With it came a new smell. A stench, overwhelming and strong. The stench of a hundred dead bodies heaped against the sides of the path. Their mangled, bloody limbs were bent and twisted at odd angles. Faces blank and lifeless. Deep and gaping wounds glared angrily towards the sky.

The young woman caught her breath and one hand involuntarily covered her mouth. She had seen death before, but not to this magnitude. Doubt reared its ugly claws and clutched her heart in an iron grip. She knew what she had to do, but what if it didn't work? They were all already dead.

There was no but her enemies to see. They were invisible but she knew they were in the rocks hiding, waiting with baited, poisenous breath. What if she looked like a weak and powerless fool in their eyes?

Her sword began vibrating and then heat shot from its hilt to its tip. The physical reminder of the power she held brought tears to her eyes. This was going to be painful.

Sobbing, she began walking and reached the first pile of dead. Realization hit her chest like an avalanche. It nearly knocked her to her knees with its weight. These dead would never know freedom unless she moved in the power given to her. They would never know real life, real truth and unshakable faith unless she reached out to touch them.

She slowly raised her sword over the first body. Flames of heat began flickering off its shiny surface. How her hands could hold the sword without being burned she did not know.

Crying out the name of her father she brought the sword down into the center of the corpse's heart. Her gut lurched in agony as the dead one's anguish swept through her body. Her sword began trembling violently as the body broke into convulsions.

She withdrew the sword and the body, a man's, let out a shuddering gasp. Skin, bones, blood and sinews rippled back into place across his body. Both eyes popped open and he sat up with a deep gasp,

The young woman backed up, speechless. It worked! He smiled, reached for his sword and jumped to his feet," What are you waiting for?"

Still unable to speak she stared. She wasn't a fool!

" The others..." he turned, plunging his sword into the body that had been lying next to him, motioning her forward.

Strengthened and empowered the young woman leaped forward, sword still hot.

The truth had brought life. She murmured her father's name in gratitude and thankfulness. She was no longer alone. An army was rising at her feet.

Easter. Life. Sunsets

Returning home after weeks and weeks of back to back school, work and church activities, makes you appreciate the boredom and slowness of home. I was home for only two days, and I felt as if I stepped into paradise.

The weather was perfect, my mom's remodeled house was beautiful, and my boyfriend surprising me on saturday morning with his appearance was perfect. All eight of my cousins and siblings were there, and my uncle, two aunts and grandparents. It was a beautiful day.

And me and Phil went for a walk...

Maybe it's true...

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

'Cause maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everythings okay
And finally now, we're leaving

And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey

Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking

Oooh I can't live without you
'Cause baby two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And I've figured out with all that's said and done
Two, is better than one

Two is better than one

Copyright@boyslikegirls/taylorswift

4 months...

...my 22 birthday, Dec 11, 2009!

...camping at Kristen's.

...visiting Phil's family!

U2 Concert!

Nick and Kendra's wedding!

...state fair!

I am here now.

"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, bring her into the wilderness and speak kindly to her. Then I will give her her vineyards from there, and the valley of Achor as a door of hope. And she will sing there as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. It will come about in that day,' delcares the Lord,' that you will call Me Ishi and will no longer call Me Baali. For I will removed the names of the Baals from her mouth, so that they will be mentioned by their names no more. In that day I will also make a covenant for them, with the beasts of the field, the birds of the sky and the creeping things of the ground. And I will abolish the bow, the sword and war from the land, and will make them lie down in safety. I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfullness. Then you will know the Lord. It will come about in that day that I will respond,' delcares the Lord,' I will respond to the earth, and the earth will respond to the grain, to the new wine and to the oil, and they will respond to Jezreel. I will sow her for Myself in the land. I will also have compassion on her who had not obtain compassion. And I will say to those who were not My people, you are My people! And they will say 'You are my God!" ~ Hosea 2 ~

I approached the tent with heart full of numb desire. I had nothing to offer, nothing to give him. I did not want him. It had been weeks since I had been with him alone. In my mind I understood, that this, even this, even my apathy towards him, my coldness, would not diminish his desire for me. In my heart I felt a thousand miles away from this truth. I could not love him. Yet he loved me with an unbreakable steadfastness.

I stopped two feet from the tent. The night shadows flickered from the torches burning around this dwelling place. I smelled the sweet aroma of his presence drifting from inside. It did not entice me like it once had. It did not draw me to him. I wanted to run. I wanted to run back to garden he made for me. I wanted to run back to his gifts and his treasures and the wealth of his kingdom that he lavished with great generosity over me.

I loved that garden. It was satisfying. I understood, in my mind, this was because it all was from him. It is was meant to draw me to him. In my heart however, I only wanted to stay in the garden. It was just too full of pleasure to leave.

Yet, inside I was still empty. I did not feel empty. However, I knew I was, because I had not see him.

That was only reason my feet had taken me here. It was a choice, not a feeling. My trembling hand reached out to pull back the tent curtain. It was time to be with him again. It was time to let him fill me with satisfaction. I did not want it, but my will was dragging my reluctant feet forward.

I slipped inside, taking a deep breath. My head was screaming a thousands fears, my heart continued to beat evenly, numbly, without feeling. I saw him before he saw me, standing near his couch holding a book open in his strong hands. The candlelight gleamed off of his golden hair. I swallowed, suddenly awkward and frightened. I should turn and leave, now, before he saw me.

It was too late, he turned, fixing those burning blue eyes on my face. The book slipped from his hands as a smile brushed his lips. Then I was in his arms.

" I knew you would come," he whispered, kissing me softly. I weakly responded, unable to resist him, but still not wanting him like he wanted me.

" I'm sorry," I whispered back, trembling arms slowly entwining around his strong body.

He chuckled against my neck, and then pulled back to gaze into my face. I could see myself in

his eyes, and hated the relfection. I was not a the bride he deserved, or needed, or should want. I did not love him.

" Don't look at me like that, my love," he said against my lips," I don't care how long it has been, or how you feel or what you've done. I will never stop loving you."

I did the unthinkable and angrily shoved him away. Hurt clouded every radiant aspect of his beautiful face.

"Darling..."

My hand covered his lips and my words fell out of my mouth like a rushing torrent," Why did you give me everything? Why is everything so pleasant without you? Why can I not love you now? Why do I not want you? Tell me...you know everything, nothing is hidden from your eyes. Why give me the very things that turn my heart away from you? Was it not better when I had nothing? Was it not better in the desert when it was only you and me? Where have all my desires..."

I broke into bitter weeping unable to continue, and dropped my eyes from his. I immediately felt his hands cradling my face.

"Beloved, I don't want your love just in the desert. I want it at all times. I want it when you feel it and need it and when you don't. I want it when you have nothing and when you have everything. There are deeper places we have yet to go. Everything I have given you is to take you to those places. Open your eyes...look at me."

I slowly and stubbornly did. His eyes burned like fire into my soul.

"Listen to my words..." he kissed my lips,"...every time you let the music you hear calm your spirit and stir your heart, it's because it's drawing you to my peace and passion. Everytime your imagination and courage is inspired by a story you hear or see, it is because I am showing you pieces of my heart. Every time your friends make your heart glad and free, it is because I am showing you the freedom of my presence."

I sucked in a breath, feeling a tightening my chest for the first time since walking in the tent. He had not mentioned the deepest part yet...

I waited.

He picked me up softly and carried me to his couch. I closed my eyes against his chest. I could feel the pressure, the expectation, the waiting....

He sat us both down, nestling me in his lap.

"Beloved..." his lips brushed my cheek, arms tightened around me with possessive strength.

"Every time he holds you, kisses you and speaks love to you, it is all coming from me. I want you to know how you've captured my heart. When you are heart pounds with desire for him, it is because it is desiring me. When you long for him surround you with safety, it is because you are longing for my safety. When you heart is screaming for his kisses and his touches, it is because you want my touch. When you dream of him at night holding you forever, it is because you want me to hold you forever."

I broke into sobs as he ended these words. They were all true.

"He is becoming everything to me. He is satisfying," I choked out.

"That is because I am everything," he whispered," I am satisfying."

I buried my face into his neck and my heart exploded with a thousand emotions. I was in my king's arms again. He was holding me. Wanting me.

"What do I do," I whispered against his lips.

"Enjoy me, come to me, let me show you my heart in this," the thick aroma of his presence and smell, consumed the room. He was drawing my heart again.

"I'm here now," I said weakly.

"And so I will love you..." his lips overwhelmed mine.