Isaiah 62

You have a new name
You have a new name
It comes from the mouth of your God
It comes from the lips of your King

And your righteousness go forth
And your salvation is like a torch
It is burning, it is burning
For all the nations to see

And You are a crown of beauty in the hand of your God
And You are a royal jewel in the eyes of the Lord

And your righteousness goes forth
And your salvation is like a torch
It is burning, it is burning
For all the nations to see

You are not forsaken, your are not forgotten
You are not bare

And your righteousness goes forth
And your salvation is like a torch
It is burning, it is burning
For all the nations to see

And the Lord
He delights over you
He delights over you
Like a bridegroom rejoices for his bride
The Lord rejoices over you

And your righteousness goes forth
And your salvation is like a torch
It is burning, it is burning
For all the nations to see

We will not be silent
We will give You no rest
Until Your salvation comes

Wednesday, feb 18, 2009

The campus is humming with it's normal rythmn of life on this Wednesday morning in the middle of the second month of 2009. The sun was rising about the time I stepped out of my dorm at 7:53 am. I wondered why, for the umpteenth time I chose an 8:00 class this semester. Though I can't complain much on this day because we were released from class 30 min early. And this Friday, class is cancelled, which is even better. People are wandering about in various states of sleepiness or energetic energy. I envy those with energy, though I am not that sleepy myself. The food in the bean was good. I ate alone, which is strange experience, but never less a nice refreshing change. Solitude is good thing. I am learning to balance my time between both solitude alone and social time. Both are vitally needed.
Now I am sitting in the middle of astronomy class, bored to death and wishing the clock would move faster. I know I should be listening to the lecture, but I can't focus today. My starbucks coffee is buzzing and the expectation of going back to my dorm is to much for me to force concentration from myself. Another hour and chapel will b here and then two more classes after that.
I think I may be afflicted with middle-of-the-week apathy. I don't think I like it.

The way I see you

I thought I had my freedom
You didn't even ask
It hit me like a shotgun
Like a cannon blast
You are so elusive
Why you gotta be so detached?
But from the corner of my eye
I thought I saw you look my way
Did you see me looking back

Oh, I just want to know...
Baby, do you see me the way I see you?

And why do you give me
So little of you?
I"m out here on thin ice
Hoping I don't break through
You can say you are naive
But I think you know the truth
You've made a prisoner of me
But I'm hanging onto the belief
That my time is almost through

Oh, I just want to know...
Baby, do you see me the way I see you?

(bethany dillon 2005)

Growing...

I am so thankful for just being in inadequate right now. For having to face myself and realize I am not all I need, no matter how I try to justify that I don't do that. I am so thankful that the only way I can be adequate is through Him. I am so thankful that He created me to only being complete in being in Him and in nothing else. I love how He sweeps everything from out beneath my feet and says," trust me, I'm gonna catch you without fail."

"You are beautiful mess, and I love putting together all the pieces, and teaching you to delight in the process, because I delight in the process! You desire my heart? This is my heart."

Then His hands suddenly hold me, even as I feel the rush of fear and despair in my free fall. Those feelings immediately turn into absolute confidence and hope. It is not about me. It was never about me, yet it is, but it isn't.

I stop making plans of how to avoid messing up, I stop making plans of how to be perfect, I stop making plans of trying to create myself into what I think I should be...instead I throw myself into the wild, untamed greatness of crazy God is has nothing better to do but draw me into Himself.

That is all this life is about

Longings...

Today is one of those days where I sat up in bed and felt that craving to write, though like always I didn't understand what I exactly was longing for until I was awake another two hours or so. I had to walk barefoot across the creaking, wooden floorboards of the cold house, stir up the fire, turn the gas heater on in the bathroom and glance in the mirror before taking a hot shower. Than I read my bible, played with my sister's cat and peeked into my brothers' room where they still lay soundly asleep. I took out the trash, stored away the last of the christmas decor and then talked to my mom on phone for while. It wasn't until nearly 11am that I realized what I really wanted to do. I was reading an email update on my favorite author, Ted Dekker, and followed a link to his blog, where I read his newest post, and that was when I realized how long it had been since I really sat down to write something, and pour actual deep, gut thought into it. I remembered why I love writing so much...and I remembered my dreams of being an author. I guess in the last few months I've just let it slip away from me. I feel a little broken, now with that realization, feeling as though something has fallen off of me like the arm of the porclain doll might crack and break when dropped.

It is a bit strange admitting this. It is a bit strange wondering how come I'm at this point of rediscovery, even a bit shame that I could forget something to vital a part of who I am. Like I said, I feel broken. Broken however is good, because it makes the fixing process that much more appreciated and loved.

I really wish to just sit down and right out a tale of longing right now, of heaven and children's delights, of angels, maybe even demons and a huge father whose laugh shakes the roof of the house. It makes me smile thinking about it. Wish I could write faster than I do, because I don't have much time to write. I have two and half more days til school starts again. The pressure of seeing how full my schedule already is, leaves me in just a little despair. It's like being in a hot steamy room, and wiping at the window to look outside, but the window just keeps fogging right back no matter how strong your efforts to stop it.

Aw, well, I'll find a way. This longing isn't going to leave now that it has my attention.

Abba's hands....

It was in the way his eyes held me in their gentle blue gaze. That was my first memory of Abba. It was the way only goodness shown from their depths. I wonder how I could remember something so long ago, yet how could I forget? You held me so safely in your arms when I was child. I remember staring at the sky then, for hours, or at least the minutes seemed like hours. That's the way it is when you are a child. I remember staring at the midnight sky, nearly frightened at it's darkness, until you showed me the stars. I never left your arms. It was a game we played. Hide and seek, You did the seeking, I did the hiding and it always ended in one place. In your arms.

I remember running barefoot. You know you are absolutely childlike when the dark soil of the earth's foundations squishes between your toes and it brings giggles of delight from your mouth. Freedom comes in the place of dirt and smiles, of grime and sun-kissed cheeks. I remember watching how you moved and talked, wanting to be like you in everything. It was just that you were perfect, you were better than anyone else. You were more fun, more exciting and more beautiful.

I saw the way you laughed, and tried to laugh like you. I saw the way you made things with your hands and tried to do it too. I saw the way you talked to the puppies, and wanted to do it too. I saw the way you ran, and tripped in attempt to follow. You scooped me up and carried me away with you. I could speak a thousands words, yet it only took one from you mouth to leave me standing in speechless awe. I could stare for hours into your eyes, and never grow tired of their depth.

Where did my wonder go? Where did the innocent delight go? Where did abandonment go? Where did my eyes like yours go? Where did my laugh like yours go? Why do I leave your gaze?
Why do I run after the flowers, without calling for you to come see?

I need your hands Abba, to grab mine and lead me back. I need your hands Abba, to give me delight once more. I need our hands Abba, to give me comfort, to give me protection. Will you surround me now? In this place of absolute brokenness.

This child is reaching for your hands....yearning for you touch...for your presence.

Thankfulness...and friends.

I never thought I would be homesick. This is crazy new sensation for a girl who has been completely happy and content away from home all semester. I don't know what to do with myself. You see my home was decorated for christmas, the lights were twinkling, the fire blazing, the hot chocolate strongly beckoning...it was extremly hard to leave Throckmorton this evening. I just wanted to cuddle up in blanket on the couch with my mom and talk the hours away into the night. I haven't wanted to do that in a good long while.
I discovered somethings about myself during this thanksgiving break. I love and appreciate my family more than I thought, and painfully realized I didn't love and appreciate them as much as they deserve. It has been a beautiful journey of discovering thankfulness this week. I thought I knew what thankfulness was, but God said no, I'm the one who defines thankfulness. I needed a good dose of humility as well.
I discovered a lot of things this week; a lot about how I view things compared to how things truly are. I was disappointed in a lot of ways, but refreshed in discovering Truth. I was blessed by a lot peace and rest....more than likely more rest than anything.

to be continued...

Suddenly, I became aware of the curious lack of Natasha in my personality. Likely because a 21 year old hooligan with an unruly bit of no-shave scruff has taken control of the keyboard. Thanksgiving was marvelous. Approximately 2 cups of Jell-o pudding salad and some macaroni and cheese found themselves semi-permanently located in my stomach. The turkey and stuffing lovingly prepared by the delicatessen workers at Kroger received lodging in my left leg (previously emptied in preparation). The pain started approximately 15 minutes later: it hurts so good. A load of dishes or two later, we all slipped into a carbohydrate-induced comatic state.

As I slowly regained consciousness after a long and extremely comfortable nap, the thoughts crossed my mind: "I hope we have cereal left at my house." This profound moment led me into musings about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Surely, it can't only be about the stockings, presents, and carols. The Pilgrims didn't have any of those. But I do have some things to be thankful for. God blessed me with an incredible family who happens to love me a great deal. I got to spend Thanksgiving with a friend who loves Jesus more than food. I slept in my own bed. I spent half a week in a state of continual amazement at God's love. Yeah, I have a good bit to be thankful for. Amen.

to be continued...?

it was good. -Ryan

to be continued...?

I...uh...*laughter*...*more laughter*...made peanut butter balls...that's it. That's it. -Ashley

to be continued...

This Thanksgiving (2008) was the first Thanksgiving in the past four or five years that all four members of my immediate family were together to celebrate thanks. Between Chris and I being in college, parents living in Mexico, Chris living in Japan and expensive air-fare, it's been a while since we've broken bread on the particular holidy. This thanksgiving, we admittedly were some distance from the remainder of our family, but nonetheless, closeness and love were felt in abundance. The addition of a new friend, the Ethiopian Tekle Legese made the holiday complete, as a reminder of the timelessness and unbound bonds of family, life and love in Christ.
Simple fellowship and a complete reprieve from many of the stresses often experienced in "regular life" wrapped the blessing in the guise of a holiday, and as such, we were truly blessed.
I thank God now, as the blessings continue; evidenced to me by being presently surrounded by spectacular friends and siblings in Christ. Praise God! - Bob