So it's been a while since I've posted anything on here. Came across something I wrote in my journal last month and thought it would be something worth other peoples' time...maybe. Just a short little thing I wrote between me and Jesus...once again, a story.
I sat at the foot of the great oak. I knew my forehead was wrinkled in seriousness and that my mouth was turned down in a soft, but thoughtful frown. I could do nothing to stop it. Even when I heard his gentle footfalls on the path along the lake.
I didn't even look up when he crept down and sat beside me. I felt him tip his face to get a good look into mine.
"How's my girl?" he said in his dear familiar voice.Somehow, even this did not take away the edginess inside my gut.
"I don't know," I replied honestly, leaning my chin in my palm and turning to return his gaze. It was as beautiful as always, full of peace. I needed that solidarity.
I shook my head continuing to speak," It's all so wrong. I feel like nothing can truly be fixed in this world."
He didn't smile and his face grew solemn." I know," he paused letting those two words sink deep inside my soul. They gripped me like iron, and then he said," ...you feel like everyone, one way or another is always going to eventually make a wrong choice and we are all waiting on that moment when we do and once it comes nothing will ever fix it. This feels you with dread and despair, you feel doomed."
I stared at him, feeling that dark despair creeping into me even as he spoke. He had said it with such feeling. I knew he felt it too. That thought alone gripped me with terror. If he felt the same way then we all were truly doomed.
Reading my thoughts, as he always did, he then said," I feel every thought and emotion you have, don't think I don't, but I don't believe the lies they tell you. I never believe something cannot be restored. I don't believe in never or in endings."
I blinked, feeling the frustration build, like a dam about to burst. The words he spoke could not quiet me.
"People only see what they want to see, they play games and deceive. How do you know what truth is? Just when you believe, that belief is ripped away with gnawing little doubts. I wish I could save people, you know, I hate what I see. How do you watch it happen? Doesn't your heart break?"
I knew his answer, well, at least I thought I did. I knew also that all of this had nothing to do with me, especially when it came to saving people or making things right, but I was selfish and all I could do was question and rant like a spoiled child.
I took a deep breath, a tear sliding down my cheek. Full of kindness and grace as always, he wiped it away and slid closer, not speaking for an entire moment as he wrapped one arm around my waist, folding me into his chest.
"Every second I breath," he whispered into my ear," but then I sit here with you and I see the sunset and I remember one thing."
"What?" I whispered back, my heart pounding. That was not the answer I expected him to say.
"You are beautiful," he kissed my cheek," and what ever it takes to make you believe that I will sacrifice."
"You are crazy," I replied, closing my eyes even as the words strangely gave me comfort.
"My ways are not your ways," he said softly.
I suddenly felt much better.
