Saturday, January 24, 2009

Growing...


I am so thankful for just being in inadequate right now. For having to face myself and realize I am not all I need, no matter how I try to justify that I don't do that. I am so thankful that the only way I can be adequate is through Him. I am so thankful that He created me to only being complete in being in Him and in nothing else. I love how He sweeps everything from out beneath my feet and says," trust me, I'm gonna catch you without fail."

"You are beautiful mess, and I love putting together all the pieces, and teaching you to delight in the process, because I delight in the process! You desire my heart? This is my heart."

Then His hands suddenly hold me, even as I feel the rush of fear and despair in my free fall. Those feelings immediately turn into absolute confidence and hope. It is not about me. It was never about me, yet it is, but it isn't.

I stop making plans of how to avoid messing up, I stop making plans of how to be perfect, I stop making plans of trying to create myself into what I think I should be...instead I throw myself into the wild, untamed greatness of crazy God is has nothing better to do but draw me into Himself.

That is all this life is about

Friday, January 9, 2009

Longings...


Today is one of those days where I sat up in bed and felt that craving to write, though like always I didn't understand what I exactly was longing for until I was awake another two hours or so. I had to walk barefoot across the creaking, wooden floorboards of the cold house, stir up the fire, turn the gas heater on in the bathroom and glance in the mirror before taking a hot shower. Than I read my bible, played with my sister's cat and peeked into my brothers' room where they still lay soundly asleep. I took out the trash, stored away the last of the christmas decor and then talked to my mom on phone for while. It wasn't until nearly 11am that I realized what I really wanted to do. I was reading an email update on my favorite author, Ted Dekker, and followed a link to his blog, where I read his newest post, and that was when I realized how long it had been since I really sat down to write something, and pour actual deep, gut thought into it. I remembered why I love writing so much...and I remembered my dreams of being an author. I guess in the last few months I've just let it slip away from me. I feel a little broken, now with that realization, feeling as though something has fallen off of me like the arm of the porclain doll might crack and break when dropped.


It is a bit strange admitting this. It is a bit strange wondering how come I'm at this point of rediscovery, even a bit shame that I could forget something to vital a part of who I am. Like I said, I feel broken. Broken however is good, because it makes the fixing process that much more appreciated and loved.


I really wish to just sit down and right out a tale of longing right now, of heaven and children's delights, of angels, maybe even demons and a huge father whose laugh shakes the roof of the house. It makes me smile thinking about it. Wish I could write faster than I do, because I don't have much time to write. I have two and half more days til school starts again. The pressure of seeing how full my schedule already is, leaves me in just a little despair. It's like being in a hot steamy room, and wiping at the window to look outside, but the window just keeps fogging right back no matter how strong your efforts to stop it.


Aw, well, I'll find a way. This longing isn't going to leave now that it has my attention.